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对方反抗的不是内容,是语气和态度——节选我的书《幸福婚姻心理学》-给力心理
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对方反抗的不是内容,是语气和态度——节选我的书《幸福婚姻心理学》

对方反抗的不是内容,是语气和态度——节选我的书《幸福婚姻心理学》
个人原创

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发表时间:2018-06-29 10:46:23 698 1 5

    除了语言沟通之外,还有一种很重要的沟通方式:非言语沟通。在生活中,我们常常通过一种不那么直接的方式获取他人的反应信息。譬如通过面部表情、目光接触、身体动作和接触,还有语音、语调、语气来了解对方的内心想法,甚至在他人试图掩藏他们最真实的感受时,都会通过非言语信息的方式泄密。

    除此以外,非言语信息还会透露一个人的修养和品位。譬如饭桌上吃相能反映一个人的个人素质和生活习惯;一个人站在街边,不时地看手表,很明显是着急;一个人穿着质地考究的衣服,很可能是有能力或者有品位的人;若办公室物品摆放整齐,可以看出主人是一个干净利落,办事讲效率的人。

    非言语与言语发生冲突,更愿意相信非言语

    这是人的一种本能,当口头语言与非言语不一致的时候,人们更愿意相信非言语信息。

    小秦与老公发生矛盾,老公一气之下回了老家,这让小秦非常生气,她不停给老公打电话。后来,婆婆接了电话,小秦一听是婆婆的声音,就把老公的“劣迹”全都告诉婆婆。婆婆劝了几句,可能有几句话不合小秦的心意,小秦便说了几句气话。

    后来因为种种矛盾,小秦的丈夫提出了离婚。小秦为了孩子不想离婚,她就想先服软,去跟老公道歉。结果道完歉老公更加生气,说:“你这是道歉的态度吗?嘴上说你错了,但是你的态度还是趾高气扬,我看你根本没有认识到自己的问题。我也不接受你的道歉。如果你不肯签字,那就法院见吧!”

    小秦找到我,希望我帮她挽救自己的婚姻。我帮她分析了在婚恋关系当中自己存在的问题,自己哪些举动有意或无意地伤害了对方。她终于认识到自己的问题,认为自己在这次婚姻危机中承担80%的责任。当她意识到这一点的时候,非常真诚地给老公发短信道歉。老公感觉到了她的真诚,同意再给婚姻一次机会。

    因为非言语更容易透露出一个人的本心,别人很容易捕捉到一个人的言语是否真诚,是否发自内心。一个信息包含两个部分:内容和非言语信息。有人认为,成功的表达应该包含7%的内容和93%的非言语信息。所以,人们往往会忽视内容,关注语气和态度。

    我们都没有读心术,但是,我们都可以通过别人的非言语信息来了解别人的内心感受。越是不经意间流露出来的表情,越是表明一个人最真实的想法。譬如,你向朋友借东西,对方听到后一瞬间的表情是皱眉头,你就会感觉很受伤,很可能从此跟他产生隔膜。老公怀疑妻子出轨,原因就是自己靠近妻子的时候,她会慌张地藏手机。

    在非言语信息中,还有一种很关键的元素是声调和语气。有时候明明知道对方的内容和建议是好的,就是因为对方带有指责和批评的语气,而本能地反抗。

    同样一个句子,如果我们改变声调、重音和节奏,就会表达出不同的意思。譬如“我和你一起去”,就可以表达成我和你一起去;我和你一起去?我和你一起去;我和你一起去;我和你一起去!等等。

    一般来讲,男性讲话声调变化较少,是因为男性一般不会将上颚张得很开,所以鼻音较重一些。男人一般使用三个声调,女性的声调却超过五个,加上丰富的表情,较多的语气词,女性在沟通方面更加流畅灵活,而男性则一般通过提高声调来强调内容。因此,当男性提高声调的时候,很有可能是在向我们强调他要表述的内容而已,并不是要跟我们吵架。

    非言语沟通的力量

    如果父母想要表达对孩子的爱,如果毫无表情地说“宝贝,我爱你”,是没有意义的,不如用肢体语言给孩子一个拥抱。

夫妻之间也如此,如果妻子任性发脾气,觉得老公不在乎自己,这时候老公可能怎么解释都不好使,不如直接拉过来强硬地抱在怀里,任她挣扎,一会儿就会安静下来,乖乖地享受这种不用言语表达的爱了。

    夫妻沟通的时候一定不要眼神游离。我有一位女强人朋友,开着两家公司,跟她交谈的时候,要么电话不断,要么她眼神不定,一会儿就要游离开,即使她在向我请教的时候也是如此,这让我感觉自己很不受重视。夫妻沟通更是如此,如果沟通的时候你不和配偶进行眼神交流,就会让对方感觉自己不受重视,或者会觉得你没有认真听他讲话。这时候,很多人会重复他们的讲话内容,因为他们不确定你是否听到了。你或许会嫌弃对方唠叨,对方会抱怨你不尊重他。

    一个人的言语可能说谎,但是非言语信息是无法掩饰的。很多夫妻认为彼此无法沟通,其实这是不可能的,他们可能没有言语上的沟通,但是非言语沟通却无时无刻不在进行着,我们在通过自己的非言语信息来分享自己的情绪和感受。譬如,丈夫下班回家,打开门,换了鞋子,一句话没说,直接进了卧室。妻子一看,心想:“今天遇到什么事情了?我还是不要打扰他。”吃晚饭的时候,妻子忍不住问了一句:“发生什么事情了吗?”丈夫虽然说没事,但是妻子还是从丈夫的表情中感觉到发生了什么事。果然,丈夫临睡觉前跟妻子说:“自己的去外地考察的名额让别人占了。”

    其实,并不是我们说得越多,越能影响别人,起关键作用的是非言语的沟通。所以,最好做一个表里一致的人,过多的掩饰会让彼此的距离越来越远。

 

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本文作者

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长程个案

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续单率

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咨询时
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原创文章
作者文章
对方反抗的不是内容,是语气和态度——节选我的书《幸福婚姻心理学》
除了语言沟通之外,还有一种很重要的沟通方式:非言语沟通。在生活中,我们常常通过一种不那么直接的方式获取他人的反应信息。譬如通过面部表情、目光接触、身体动作和接触,还有语音、语调、语气来了解对方的内心想法,甚至在他人试图掩藏他们最真实的感受时,都会通过非言语信息的方式泄密。
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