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远离极端的人,他(她)将是你的噩梦——选自我的书《幸福婚姻心理学》-给力心理
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远离极端的人,他(她)将是你的噩梦——选自我的书《幸福婚姻心理学》

远离极端的人,他(她)将是你的噩梦——选自我的书《幸福婚姻心理学》
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发表时间:2018-04-16 23:25:15 1008 8 10

                                  远离极端的人,他(她)将是你的噩梦

    2018年3月30日,芜湖市公安局官方微博“平安芜湖”发布消息称:经我局侦查,3月28日上午我市新市口发生的红色路虎车上烧死两人的刑事案件,两死者系本市居民陈某(女性,未婚)和王某(男性,离异单身)。现查明,死者陈某与王某生前曾系男女朋友关系,后因情感不合分手,但王某一直纠缠陈某。自本月25日开始,王某一直跟踪、尾随、纠缠陈某要求和好,遭陈某拒绝,王某遂产生同归于尽的恶念。28日上午10时54分许,王某驾驶瑞虎车(皖B0****)在新市口附近采取撞击手段逼停陈某驾驶的路虎车,强行将下车查看的陈某胁迫推上路虎车,后点燃淋在身上的汽油自焚,导致两人被烧身亡。目前此案仍在侦查取证中。
    又是一起极端案例。
    很多人都渴望拥有浪漫爱情,希望自己是生死之恋的主角。但是,极端行为的实施者,明显是通过极端行为来绑架感情,逼迫对方服从他们的意志。
    有这样举动的人情绪是极不稳定的,他们的自控力差,思维上容易走极端。在将来的相处中,一旦发生矛盾,对方还会用极端方式来处理,这将给当事人带来无尽的麻烦,甚至危险。
    2014年寒冬,东北长春,一名年轻男子在漫天大雪中跪了两个多小时。男子与女友发生感情纠纷,希望跟女友见上一面。
这样的人希望用自虐的方式打动对方,如果他真能如愿,这笔账迟早要算回来的,因为在自虐的跪拜者心中,一定压抑着巨大的愤怒:我吃了这么多苦,都是为了你,我要让你一点点还回来。可想而知,他在婚后会用怎样的方式来发泄这么多愤怒,最极端的方式就是家暴。
    东北的寒冬,能跪在雪地里两个小时!这样的人连自己都不爱,还指望他真的爱我们吗?其实,他更在乎的是他的自尊:被人甩真的很丢脸。于是他们采取极端方式来达到自己的目的。
还有一种人,恋爱中出现了矛盾,半夜12点以后还不停打电话,他们只是在为自己的情绪找到发泄口,不会真的担心我们是否有充足的睡眠、健康的身体。一句话:他们更爱的人是他们自己!
    极端行为是为了达到控制的目的
    行动是为了达到目的,但如果一个人不择手段达到自己的目的,不管他自己标榜的出发点多么冠冕堂皇,这个人也是危险的。
感情更是如此。
小敏经常与男友为了鸡毛蒜皮的事情吵架,为了吵赢男朋友,小敏越来越歇斯底里,打、骂、砸东西、自虐(用刀割伤自己),甚至会跳楼威胁。
    男朋友不止一次对小敏说:你现在让我觉得很可怕,不要再这样子了,我对你真的快死心了,再这样下去你会后悔的。
小敏说:我不知道为什么会变成这个样子,变得这么极端,这么犯贱。我这么做只想让他觉得他错了,让他道歉。其实我根本不想这样,我真的非常爱他,离不开他,我只是想要引起他注意罢了。我总是不择手段甚至伤害自己和他来达到目的,事后,我根本不觉得我是赢者,反而觉得自己其实输得一塌糊涂。
    一个人的爱越狂热,依赖之心就越重,控制欲就会越强,他们狂热地爱着对方,希望对方按照自己的意愿对待自己,如果有一天对方没有达到他们的要求,他们就会异常愤怒,用极端方式来威胁对方,以此达到自己控制对方的目的。
实际上,这样的人有着强烈的不安全感,他们不爱自己,无法感知到自我的存在,通过别人对自己的关注和爱来证明自己的存在感和价值感。
    他们的极端行为是循序渐进发生的,从刚开始的“一哭二闹”,到最后的“三上吊”。最初试探,如果对方妥协,接着就会“得寸进尺”。
    当然,也有人平时隐忍,到对方提出分手的时候,用最恶劣的方式逼迫对方:你敢与我分手,我就杀死我自己;或者,你要与我分手,我就杀你全家。于是,很多人就这样被吓住了。他们的目的达到,会暗自窃笑。
最终,你会牢牢地被控制在他们手里,稍有反抗他们就会故伎重演。当你承受不了真要逃离的时候,他们会做出一些更加极端的事,若不成功,他们一定会自残让你愧疚一辈子,或不断骚扰让你一生不得安宁。
    他们的极端行为是我们一步步纵容出来的结果。就像几岁的小孩子总是哭闹,原因就是他刚开始想要什么,父母不给,一哭闹,父母慌了,赶紧过来哄:好了好了,宝贝不哭,妈妈答应你不行吗?恋爱中,很多人会退回到孩童状态,或者重复童年的美好,或者修复童年的创伤。
    遭遇极端行为逼迫威胁,最好的办法就是坚决不要让他们得逞,譬如我们上面提到的那位在冰天雪地跪了几个小时的东北小伙子,他最终未能如愿。有人说那姑娘怎么这么心狠。其实这是过去教育的失误,觉得这样做不够善良。茨威格有一句名言:同情之罪。就是你越同情他(她),他(她)就越猖狂,最后变得不可收拾,增大了危险性。如果他(她)不断骚扰,可以玩失踪一段时间,不要让他找到,不要让他有任何线索。等过了应激反应期,他很可能就死心了。当然,最好也能得到家人的支持,一家人组成团队,再狂躁的猛兽也会肝颤吧!

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本文作者

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公益助人

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收费助人

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长程个案

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续单率

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咨询时
0 性价比

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原创文章
作者文章
对方反抗的不是内容,是语气和态度——节选我的书《幸福婚姻心理学》
除了语言沟通之外,还有一种很重要的沟通方式:非言语沟通。在生活中,我们常常通过一种不那么直接的方式获取他人的反应信息。譬如通过面部表情、目光接触、身体动作和接触,还有语音、语调、语气来了解对方的内心想法,甚至在他人试图掩藏他们最真实的感受时,都会通过非言语信息的方式泄密。
661 5 1
远离极端的人,他(她)将是你的噩梦——选自我的书《幸福婚姻心理学》
一个人的爱越狂热,依赖之心就越重,控制欲就会越强,他们狂热地爱着对方,希望对方按照自己的意愿对待自己,如果有一天对方没有达到他们的要求,他们就会异常愤怒,用极端方式来威胁对方,以此达到自己控制对方的目的。
1008 10 8
心理咨询的效果之——诚信
诚信,是社会的规则,也是为人的标准,没有规则的世界,必然是混乱的,他们的内心更是无序的,而且她们内心是自卑的,觉得自己是不应该被尊重和信任的,所以才会把自己的生活搞得很混乱,因为我们现在所过的生活都是与我们内心期望的,我们现实的世界,是与我们内心世界一致的。 所以,在
2879 31 5

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/" class="a_home">作者主页
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