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心理咨询:如何跟孩子谈父母离婚 -给力心理
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心理咨询:如何跟孩子谈父母离婚

心理咨询:如何跟孩子谈父母离婚
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发表时间:2015-04-10 11:19:46 258 0 0

离婚在现今社会是越来越普遍了,即便如此,如何跟孩子谈离婚,依然还是件不容易的事。很多父母担心年幼的孩子不懂什么是离婚,不知道该如何开口跟孩子说明,其实小孩是非常敏感的,虽然她们未必真的理解,但孩子所接收到的讯息,远比大人所想像的多很多,包括父母离婚前家里的气氛,孩子已经都有感觉。与其让孩子在自己的世界里面想像,或是在大人亲戚的谈话中拼凑讯息,不如由父母直接说明,反而可以减低孩子更大的伤害。

很多父母离婚都用避讳不谈的方式,会是用欺瞒隐晦的方式说,我想在跟孩子说明离婚之前,有几点是父母必须注意的:

 

一、父母请先自己做好自己的心理建设

倘若父母自己对离婚都还不是很确定,或是充满的罪恶、歉疚或是怨恨,这

种情况下跟孩子谈,孩子只会感觉到这是一件「糟糕」的事。建议父母在离婚前可先跟专家进行过婚姻谘商,确认两个人是否都对离婚作好的准备,是在理性的思考之后作出的选择,唯有自己都接受离婚真的是彼此都好,才能减低在孩子面前的心虚愧疚,孩子也才不会认为自己是被丢弃的。

 

二、依据孩子的认知发展说明,用孩子听的懂的方式去表达。

父母可以先了解一下孩子对于父母最近相处有什么感觉?感觉到家里气氛

有什么不同?也先了解到孩子所接收到的讯息是什么,从这方面切入是一个方式,也比较让孩子感觉到即使父母离婚,自己的感受依然是是被在乎的。

 

三、父母最好是两人一起跟孩子谈,两人的说法跟态度要一致。

两个人可以一起进行,孩子也比较不会困惑,父母的态度,决定孩子的想法,

当父母表现的越坦然理性,「这是一件可以拿出来讨论的事情」,孩子即使失落,也比较能从父母的态度中可以感到安心,并不是「可怕又羞耻」的事情发生在自己身上。

 

四、让孩子知道离婚是父母两个人一起的决定。

可以跟孩子说明两人离婚的理由,也许觉得生活在一起越来越多的不快乐,与其每天吵架或冷战,彼此越看越讨厌,也让孩子每天生活在不快乐或担心父母中,于是两个人决定要让自己过的快乐一点,因为很爱孩子,也爱这个家,所以决定减少继续带给彼此更大的伤害。很多父母的关卡在于觉得离婚就对不起孩子,虽然离婚对孩子有一定的伤害跟影响,但如果能从父母身上学习到「为自己的人生负责」,也是一个重要的身教,不为了别人情绪而委屈牺牲自己。

 

五、不要在孩子面前把离婚的责任推给对方,更不要推给孩子。

父母是孩子自我认同中两个重要的主角,抵损任何一方,都象征着自己的某个部份被否定,最忌在孩子面前数落对方、斥责对方的不是,孩子会感觉到是自己是个「坏孩子」,也很可能会自己解释为是自己不够好、不乖,所以父母才要离婚。当孩子认为都是自己不好时,对人格的发展及未来对感情的态度,往往很容易走向偏差。

 

六、让孩子知道自己依然是被爱的,但不要对孩子作做不到的承诺。

父母离婚是两个人之间的问题,让孩子知道即使两个人之后不是夫妻了,但仍然是孩子的爸爸跟妈妈,只是两个人不会生活在一起,尽可能的减低孩子的不安,让孩子明白自己是没有被丢弃的,但也不要作出自己做不到或不能持续的承诺,这样只会更加深孩子觉得自己真的被抛弃的感觉,孩子需要的是稳定的爱。

 

七、说明未来生活的改变

让孩子清楚未来生活将会有什么样的变化会进行,减低其对于突然改变的冲击跟焦虑,像是搬家、转学等,都应跟孩子解释说明,孩子不是父母的附属品,也尊重聆听孩子的想法跟感受,听听看孩子有什么担心或焦虑,父母也比较清楚可以协助的是什么。

 

八、尊重孩子的情绪

孩子或许会哭闹或是闹脾气,请视为一个正常的过程,面对自己最爱的两个人即将要份开,孩子一定会失落跟悲伤的,不要否定或漠视孩子的情绪,孩子有悲伤失落的权利,这是属于她自己的失落,没有人可以剥夺,即使是父母。当悲伤失落可以释放,知道自己依然是被爱的,情绪过后孩子自己会为自己找到一个新的平衡点,也请父母尊重这样的过程,不要因为自己的焦虑而去压抑孩子情绪。

 

九、好好的说再见,也是一种身教。

对于离婚,很多父母觉得对孩子但抱歉,对自己离婚有很多负面的感受,其实换个角度想,如果真的是经过理性的思考而作的决定,两个人能理性而平静的份手,让份开可以是在理性却不是没有情感的结束,对孩子来说,也是一个很重要的经验,天化没有不散的筵席,孩子之后会陆陆续续的面对到大大小小的份离,父母能够在孩子面前好好的说再见,对孩子来说也是一种模范的建立。

当爱已成往事,倘若离婚真的是为彼此的问题跟伤害画下休止符,请善待自己,照顾好自己的情绪,父母两个人必须得先懂得照顾好自己,也才能够提供孩子良好品质的爱。离婚并不糟糕,糟糕的是自己被离婚给打败了,对孩子来说,反而是更大的伤害。

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