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对于那些主动离婚的女人,心理专家怎么评价?-给力心理
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对于那些主动离婚的女人,心理专家怎么评价?

对于那些主动离婚的女人,心理专家怎么评价?
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发表时间:2016-05-12 11:32:16 3499 8 45

对于那些主动离婚的女人,心理专家怎么评价?
      心理专家:不管是什么样的原因,她们敢于作出这样的决定,这些女人非常勇敢。但我们也可以看到,这个“主动”的姿态里,也有很多被动:很多女人离婚是因为丈夫出轨等。其中特别值得注意的现象是,很多女人的离婚原因,不是她的老公有多么大的罪错,比如,因为不能抵御孤单而离婚的女人……要知道,我们的大众习惯了,离婚需要对方有一个大的过错,而我们的文化又认同婚姻是要白头偕老的,一旦缔结就要至死不渝的,因此,承认“我想离开”不容易,主动离婚也更加勇敢。

 

■ 这么多女人提出离婚,到底是男人出了问题还是婚姻制度本身有问题
  难道是男人出了问题吗?我们听到女人的说法好像是这样,但我们去听听男人对婚姻的抱怨和不满,就会知道男人也一样苦恼。不得不承认,婚姻是我们用来与人性和基因抗衡的一个制度。我们将经历、成长等等不太相干的人放在一起,试图用这个外在的制度来限制我们内在的冲突,其中包括依赖与独立、自由与忠贞等等,这本身就是一种冒险!

■ 而且婚姻的功能似乎也变化了
  是这样。在过去,婚姻更多是在经济上保障我们的生存。但是在今天,女人更独立了,甚至赚的钱比男人还多,那么婚姻的经济功能已经削弱了,女人对婚姻最大的渴望将是亲密、交流和心灵相通。但男人可能还没有清晰地意识到这一点,他们还在刻舟求剑。最近,南京一位姓戴的先生跑到越南找了一个“不贪不懒不随便不高傲不拜金,年轻漂亮勤劳贤惠,关键是听话”的老婆,很多男人用“极品”形容这位越南老婆,内心羡慕得不得了,这是一种很真实的两性关系中的悖论和困境。这就是为什么很多渴望有精神生活的女人在婚姻中感觉痛苦的原因。很多女人忍受着这种痛苦,但那些渴望活出自我的女人,就会走出这一段关系。


■ 和我们的曾祖母、祖母和母亲相比,今天的女人确实更容易选择离婚了。也许白头偕老会成为当代和未来的神话?
  很多人羡慕父母辈的白头偕老,让我们来看看其中是什么。我读严歌苓的小说《小姨多鹤》,印象特别深的,就是她说的:“我从这个男人身上,要的不是喜爱,是生存。”这是一句让人心疼的话。一个人跟生存是不能讨价还价的。我们的父母,他们很多生命主题和冲突都是通过压抑解决的。这样的白头偕老里,我觉得,它最核心的就是用时间打败一切,其实很多人活得特别压抑,有很多荒凉、残忍和让人心疼心碎的地方。
  我们现在的大环境,父母辈的冲突和压抑在我们身上被释放了,我们对婚姻的要求当然高了。而且特别重要的是,我们需要放下婚姻一定要白头偕老的观念——我们当然会祝福所有的伴侣能够幸福地执子之手与子偕老,我们说的,是一个自由的基础,让我们敢于结束功能不良的婚姻。


■ 虽然很多女人有勇气离婚,但离婚仍被认为是一种个人生活的失败。
  离婚是一个经历,不是一个失败。当然,离婚是一件很纠结的事情,通常会激发我们对于分离的痛苦。从某种意义上说,我们结婚是试图找人建立亲密,离婚则是我们放弃了从这个人这里建立亲密,这种放弃本身也是有意义的,同时也值得骄傲:我终于离开了一个不适合我的人! 离婚本身,也是一个与自我相遇的过程。一个准备离婚的女人,至少会做很多思考:关于婚姻本身,关于爱与被爱,关于自我以及自己到底需要的是什么,等等,所有这一切,她都会努力找答案。


■婚姻还是必需品吗
    我的答案:不是!婚姻的很多功能在当代都已经被解构了。它的经济功能削弱了,与家族的关系也淡漠了;还有性,满足的方式很多!其他的,吃饭宅急送,家务小时工……为什么结婚呢?大S说的很有代表性:我也能赚钱,我把照顾男人和孩子的时间用来照顾我自己不好吗?婚姻虽然不是必需品,但它是一个选择。

■婚姻不是必需品,但亲密是,我们永远需要亲密
    婚姻是能够提供最多亲密的两性关系形式。总是会有很多伴侣充满期望地结婚,而那些离了婚的,绝大多数仍然选择再次进入婚姻。
  我要强调亲密这个关键词。同样是性高潮,自慰不伤身但伤心,因为其中没有联结,没有亲密——在这个意义上,我们确实需要重新思考我们的两性关系了。其中的挑战就是:建构亲密。结婚时,很多人投入的是自己的一部分,没有完全地以真我的形象投入;而另一方,所要的也可能只是对方的一部分,这就难以达成真正深刻的亲密,很多婚姻走不下去,就是卡在这里了。我们需要这样的勇气:全然地展露自己,全然地接纳对方——这样的深度亲密很可能白头偕老。 

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