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亲密关系中的四种恐惧-给力心理
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亲密关系中的四种恐惧

亲密关系中的四种恐惧
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发表时间:2015-06-24 11:04:12 219 0 0

在亲密关系中,会激起我们各种被伤害、被忽视等等内心得恐惧。它们可能源于我们旧时的伤痛,或者我们未曾觉醒的意识。当我们为自己的成长负起责任,当我们能培养出自己更觉醒的意识,能更如实地做好自己,我们的亲密关系也会变得更加滋养彼此。 在瑞典参加克里虚纳南达和阿曼娜老师的“真爱的旅程”课程,他们提到了亲密关系当中的四种恐惧。

被伤害的恐惧

首先,就是被伤害的恐惧:被利用、被侵犯、不被尊重。其实,这些都是我们小时候的旧伤,伴侣只是负责把我们这些伤痛挑动起来而已。我个人真的觉得,我们是否能得到尊重是完全取决于我们如何看待自己、如何与对方互动。而在亲密关系中,我们一定要先尊重自己,才有可能获得对方尊重。同时,当我们的旧伤被挑动的时候,应该如何面对呢? 我在前面说了很多,包括:照顾自己的内在小孩、非暴力沟通、打开自己的心、愿意显示自己的脆弱等。关于这方面的课题,可以参考“拥抱你的内在小孩”“非暴力沟通”以及“亲密关系——通往灵魂的桥梁”等书。同时,我们要勇敢的为自己的情绪负责,知道这些伤痛被挑起,是为了让我们学会生命中该学会的种种功课。也许你可以暂时逃避,也许你可以再换一个爱人,但是最终,如果你想要获得真正的快乐、自由,那么面对自己的人生课题是唯一的道路。

被抛弃、被忽视的恐惧

第二个亲密关系中的恐惧就是被抛弃、被忽视:对方无法了解你的感受,对你的敞开视若无睹,不陪伴你,甚至离开了你。我自己的经验是,如果你很怕被伴侣抛弃,你真的需要在一开始的时候就要慎选对象。不要找心性不稳定,或是条件过好的人。当然,任何花心的人都有收心的时候,可能你需要诚实的扪心自问:我罩得住他/她吗?同时,关系当中最怕一成不变,如果你是一个顽固不化、闭门造车的人,不吸收新知识,不让自己成长变化,那么彼此厌倦的机会就比较高。 另外还有一种男人最容易被女人抛弃,那就是冥顽不灵的人。女方跟他一再要求、沟通,请他做出一些改变,这些改变也许是很小的生活习惯,也许是对待女方的方式,其实都是没什么大不了的,只要有意愿,都是可以改变的。但是他们自以为是既得利益者,又有婚约又有小孩,以为女方不会改变。抱歉,这个世界每天都在变化。我们就是必须要成长,要成熟,要变得愈来愈讨人喜欢,不能在婚姻这个安全的大网当中自以为是的窝着,以为它就绑死了两个人,永远不会分离。这种想法太一厢情愿了。所以婚姻当中,适当的危机感是必要的。 同样的,女人如果不能日新月异的改变自己,让对方看得目不暇给,对方也有可能厌倦而开始有二心。因对方外遇而被抛弃的一方,永远都不会是纯粹的受害者。他/她要负起相当的责任。如果一份爱情非常滋养我们的身心灵,我们怎么可能会有二心?而一份感情是否能让双方都获得滋养,绝对是两方都要负起责任的。

被淹没、找不到自己、失去自己的恐惧

第三个亲密关系中的恐惧就是被淹没、找不到自己、失去自己。对于这个恐惧,我们要知道,永远不能因为对方而迁就太多,失去自己的原来面貌。一个真正快乐的人是真正能够做自己的人。 如果要戴上面具过日子,对我们来说太痛苦了。 而从另外一个角度来说,在亲密关系当中,为对方留空间和时间是必须的。虽然双方的嗜好、兴趣相投非常重要,但是两方应该都要有自己的私密空间,自己的朋友圈,自己的喜好。这样,我们才可能在亲密关系的空间中,为对方制造惊喜,创造变化。

对沉闷、无味的恐惧

第四种亲密关系中的恐惧就是沉闷、无味。很多老夫老妻最后都会走上这条不归路。其实,保持婚姻新鲜最大的秘诀就是两个人都要如实的做自己,不是扮演对方想要的自己,或是隐藏自己。如果在关系中能够真诚的表达自己的需求、想法,那么两个人的关系其实会愈来愈深,而且愈来愈能够做回自己,找到自己。最美的亲密关系就是彼此帮助把对方最好、最美的版本给培养出来,让他/她能够在自己的生活中、工作上发挥最佳的潜能,充分的表达自己,做自己喜欢的事。 所以,在亲密关系中还有一个很重要的原则:永远不要因为责任或是为了取悦对方,而做自己不喜欢或不愿意做的事。否则你就会逐渐失去自己,失去兴趣,最后失去生命力,婚姻就会进入死灰阶段了。

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