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那些恋爱中的“你以为”都是错的-给力心理
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那些恋爱中的“你以为”都是错的

那些恋爱中的“你以为”都是错的
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发表时间:2015-07-17 15:04:39 214 0 0

导语:我们通常会根据经验和看到的别人的经验,去对一些事情进行判断。有时候,这是一个正确的选择。在感情中,这也可能是一个糟糕的选择。

  勇敢去爱,更要理智地去爱。爱情是生命中最重要的事情之一,也最难把握。爱情中的感觉过于纷繁复杂,于是我们容易不信任自己的感觉,而去信赖一些教条,这是非常危险的事。

513087807忘我的爱

  错误1:忘我的爱

  很多人内心中的答案是——最好是忘我的爱。假若你有这个自觉或不自觉的答案,那么等待着你的,便是地狱。

  也即他爱的并非是你,而是他自己。你会和一个只爱自己的人在一起吗?答案是显然的。

166265328大了就会知道怎么爱

  错误2:大了就会知道怎么爱

  爱的能力,其实和年龄关系不大。

  恋爱,是将我们在童年与父母等家人形成的内在关系模式淋漓尽致地投射到成年后与爱人的外部关系上来。童年与家人关系和谐的人,恋爱时的关系较容易达到和谐;童年与家人关系冲突太激烈的人,恋爱时的关系较容易产生冲突。这种投射是相当恒定的,与年龄关系不是很大。

472085969你行,依靠你

  错误3:你行,依靠你。

  男人让女人相信自己行的方式有两种:一、展示自己的优点;二、否定女人的优点。

  有趣的是,在恋爱期间,很多女人因频繁被恋人否定而自信心受到很大打击后,她们的想法居然是“既然你总是说我不行,那你一定行了,既然如此,我就靠你了”。

  男人多少都懂得这一点。于是,他们普遍习惯否定女人,也习惯伪装得很行。并且,自己内心越自卑,就越伪装得“我很行”。然而,事实证明说“你不行”和“我行”之间并没有必然联系。

525468277爱你就会对你好

  错误4:爱你就会对你好

  这是关于爱情的最普遍的教条之一,也是危害性最大的教条。

  对于一个内心充满爱的人而言,这个信条正确;但对于一个心态充满恨的人而言,这个信条错误。通常这种内在关系模式都来自童年的影响。

  一定要看到爱情的这一面,否则很容易会对爱情产生失望。尽可能地远离内在关系模式很糟糕的人,除非这个人有自省的能力。

166265217对朋友好的人是个好伴侣

  错误5:对朋友好的人是个好伴侣

  不管一个人看起来多么在乎他与朋友或同事的关系,这种关系所产生的情感深度仍然远不如情侣关系。于是,一个人在处理与朋友和同事的这类关系时,可以较好地运用理性,会控制自己的情绪。但是在深度的情侣关系中,没有谁愿意控制自己。

  所以我们常看到这样的现象:许多人对配偶和孩子冷漠,对外人亲热。于是,一些内在关系模式很糟糕的人,会出现极其可怕的分裂:在外面简直像个圣人,在家里却是个不折不扣的暴君。

 
521980303付出和收获成正比

  错误6:付出和收获成正比。

  有付出一定会有回报,这种想法是很深的自恋。有这种想法的人,其实没有看到对方的真实存在,她是自顾自地付出。她的付出是她自己的需要,未必是恋人的需要。

  在感情中一味付出且对恋人没有丝毫要求,这种做法有时还隐含着这样的信息——我既然已经做得这么完美,我是问心无愧了,那么我们的关系中再有什么问题,都不是我的责任,而是你的责任。在爱情中习惯扮演绝对付出者的人,该好好反省一下,自己究竟在追求什么。

  第三,我很自恋,我是一个道德圣人,所以我不能承受一个亲密关系是由我结束的责任,那意味着我就不是好人了。所以,我宁愿挨着,我要等着你来提分手,你来做那个错误的人。若是你这样做了,那我就不必背负任何不义的名声了。

513087371婚姻是因为爱

  错误7:婚姻是因为爱

  真相是,至少在中国,因为爱走到一起的婚姻,太少了。

  为什么?因为,面对自己最爱的人,围绕着爱的渴望会被唤起,围绕着爱的绝望也会被唤起,美好与可怕的感受会交织在一起涌出,情感的强度太强烈了,会让人受不了。

  因为可以将自己内心的垃圾投射到对方身上,所以在一起。这种逻辑,是很多人婚姻的奇特选择的真相。

166263550爱是为了幸福和快乐

  错误8:爱是为了幸福和快乐。

  一个心理学家发现,他的孩子做某件事产生一种感受后,他会不断尝试类似的事,以激发出同样的感觉。对内心中一些重要感受的强迫性追求,才是我们命运的真相。

  若不经过深刻的学习,婚姻不会因为你选择了“正确先生”或“正确小姐”就自动变得很幸福了。因我们有时自动追求着的生命体验,未必是幸福。

526295797受过伤才会珍惜

  错误9:受过伤才会珍惜。

  很多男人发展新感情时,常做的一件事是诉苦。他们将自己以前的感情描绘得很糟糕,将自己的前女友或前太太描绘得很可怕,于是作为倾诉对象的女子的母性被触发了。然而,作为倾诉对象的人忘记了一点,倾诉者是自由恋爱,以前的恋人是他们的自由选择,他们应该为自己的选择负有至少一半的责任。

  我们常讲,人应该吃一堑长一智,但这只是愿望。事实是具有这种宝贵素质的人总是少数,而多数人的人生总是在同一个地方摔跤,而且摔跤的姿势都一模一样。所以,假若追求你的人以前的感情生活是一团糟,那么他和你的前景更大的可能性也是一团糟,而不是突然变得更好。

  一个内心较和谐的人,会愿意自省,这样的人的确是随着年龄的增长,越来越懂得爱。

  如果经验不能用在感情中,那怎么办?平心看待。每个结论都有前提,别人的结论未必和你的前提一样,所以不适用是正常的。学会寻找自己的结论吧,从广场前提开始。(内容来源:39健康网)

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本文作者

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