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神兽?祖宗?治愈我的宝贝儿!-给力心理
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神兽?祖宗?治愈我的宝贝儿!

神兽?祖宗?治愈我的宝贝儿!
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https://yun.geilixinli.com/@!size60"/>

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发表时间:2020-06-11 20:03:45 451 0 2
疫情隔离的三个月里,我与孩子们形影不离,距离最远的时候也只是隔着一扇房间门。虽然足不出户,但是关于疫情的消息织成一张危险的网,将我们困在其中。
在开始的时候,必须要整天陪着他们让我感到焦虑,心里惦记着未完成的工作。并不是有什么紧急的事务要去处理,只是觉得时间都花在陪孩子上面是一种浪费。同时,我感到被他们完全占据,没有足够的时间留给自己,因此,有时会在睡前报复性的刷手机,希望能为自己做点什么,希望重获掌控感。
在那时,天气寒冷,从窗外望出去是萧瑟的街道,过分的安静,充满灾难片的既视感。与之形成强烈对比的是温暖明亮的家,孩子们清脆的声音。似乎外面的血雨腥风都被挡在家的铜墙铁壁之外,曾经每天都想出门溜达的孩子们出人意料的平静和满足。妈妈爸爸整天都在家里,这是多么难得啊!我在他们眼里看到的是兴奋。也许正是因为他们眼中纯粹的幸福,也许是渐渐接受一切暂停的事实,也许是对窗外的寒冷与黑暗的恐惧,我的心安静了下来,决定一心一意的陪伴着他们,被他们陪伴着。这个想法的转变让我有意想不到的收获。
不到三岁的小女儿最喜欢粘着我,无论是看电视、刷手机还是吃饭,她喜欢慢慢地凑到身边,努力爬上我的腿,坐在怀里,只是这么挨着我,她就可以安静地待很久。有一次,我们坐在沙发上看电视,剧情似乎完全抓住了她的注意力。于是,我悄悄溜走,去干自己的事。不知过了多久,当她发现我不在身边时,大哭了起来,而且抽抽啼啼好久。当时,我不免疑惑:电视好看还不够么?为何一定要我陪着呢?
这个问题唤起我的一段童年记忆:母亲抱着我坐在包着红色皮垫的折叠椅上看电视,不记得电视放送的内容,只记得我感到很开心,令人失望的是这时有人敲门,我只有无奈地离开母亲的怀抱。前一刻坐在母亲怀里的满足感,与下一刻深深的失望形成强烈的对比,也让这段记忆成为童年记忆中最鲜明的一块。此前,每次想起来时,就如我们这一辈的独身子女一样,总是感叹童年的孤独。但是这一次似乎有所不同,它让我可以体会到,只是单纯和母亲呆在一起给孩子带来的满足。原来只是和我呆在一起,对她来说就是满满的幸福;原来只是我的存在,对她来说就是意义非凡。我不太喜欢“伟大的母亲”这样的说法,因为他们往往包含着“母亲必须无条件付出”的道德绑架。但是,这一刻我感到对于孩子来说,母亲的存在确实是伟大的。只要在那里,就可以让一个人幸福,这难道不是世界上最伟大的事情么?女儿对我全心全意的依赖,在某种程度上治愈了我的焦虑,让我意识到,陪伴着他们长大也是我非常重要的事业。也让我发现:母亲起身去开门的那一刻,我除了感到孤独以外,也收获了很多其他的感受,例如,前一刻的满足感。我很感谢这段记忆留在意识里,让我可以理解女儿的感受,理解母亲存在的意义,也让我更爱我的母亲。
我们对于童年的记忆的解读有时候会影响一生,影响我们对自己的理解与接纳。是母亲抛下了我、我阻碍了她事业的发展、我是那个多余的人;还是与母亲的分离是成长的必经之路,这条路上有痛也有爱,无论如何都会成为我们宝贵的经验。很多时候几种解释会同时存在,有些时候一种会占上风,然而这里没有正确答案,只有不断地探寻。
 
PS: 此刻,那三个月似乎离我非常遥远,就好像曾经的德国生活,和现在的中国生活,是两种完全不一样的,无法融合的经历一样。一旦回归了日常的生活,那三个月就好像被关在了门外,渐行渐远。所以继续写三个月系列显得非常的困难,写的是那三个月,也不是那三个月。感觉更像从门的这一边,努力通过猫眼,看看门那边的风景,意犹未尽的,管中窥豹的,无法触及的。因此,在家三个月系列就写到这里了。
 

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本文作者

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0岁
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公益助人

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长程个案

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