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日常生活中的施受虐-给力心理
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日常生活中的施受虐

日常生活中的施受虐
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发表时间:2020-06-04 17:56:45 687 1 5
施受虐算是心理学的行话,常常被放在嘴边,用来对社会新闻中的那些无法理解的扭曲行为进行解读,例如,家暴受害者变成加害者等等。似乎仅仅只是说出这个词,都需要我们扭曲自己的面容,摆出嗤之以鼻的姿态,以撇清和它的关系。其实,从精神分析的角度,这种颇为戏剧性的划清界限的行为已经暗示了它无所不在的属性。最近的一个觉察让我更肯定了这一点。
儿子睡觉前喜欢粘着我,因此经常会被我驱赶,这个时候我喜欢说“滚蛋”这个词,其实重音在“滚”字上面,“蛋”字只是修饰。在说出“滚”那一刻,内心十分畅快,还会脑补一脚将他踹飞的镜头,其中包含着复杂的感觉:终于解脱,兴奋的解放,极具控制感,站在权力的顶端,肆意妄为着。下一瞬间,残留的理智唤起内疚的感觉,不得已滑出一个“蛋”字,让凶狠,严肃,愤怒的炮弹裹上糖衣。相比于“滚”字的雄壮发音,“蛋”字有些拖泥带水,不情不愿的,嘎然而止。令人惊讶的是,这样小小的施虐所带来的快感虽然非常的短暂,但是让人上瘾,它轻而易举地挤开其他更加柔和的词汇,冲破内疚感的阻力,自己“滚”了出来。
施虐的一面非常清楚,而受虐的一面挖掘了很久,是我对被厌弃的恐惧。主要表现在:在别人起身离去之前,我会先走一步;我会在滔滔不绝说话的时候观察别人的反应,当感到对方不耐烦时,立刻停止;如果是没有规定时长的约会,我会自觉的观察对方的行动,确定结束的时候;如果是规定时长的约会,我一定会时刻警惕时间,避免超时。总之,我压根不会让“滚蛋”二字砸到自己身上,哪怕只是想象中。久远的记忆已经模糊,我永远不可能知道被厌弃的恐惧来自于何时何地,或许这是人们在成长与分离过程中必须经历的创伤;或许对于一个孩子来说,被厌弃意味着对自我的完全否定,所以他/她总是在幻想着、准备着;又或许这是来自祖祖辈辈的代际创伤,无论如何,我也是被“滚蛋”二字折磨的受虐者。
在这一组日常的施受虐行为中,施虐是浮在水面上的日常行为,是对附庸个体(子女)的使用;而受虐可能是在个人成长的某个过程中感受到的,带着某种幻想和创伤性质的恐惧。这种恐惧感深埋于个体甚至群体的潜意识之中,它像沙漠中的植物,有庞大的根系,一直延伸到深不见底的黑暗中,只露出零星的枝叶(行为)能被觉察到。与黑暗冷峻的恐惧形成强烈对比的是,在明亮的房间中,带着烟火气的睡前游戏,充满戏谑的笑骂。“滚蛋”所带来的抛弃与分离,好像是血腥动作片的卡通版,好像韩剧里患白血病的女主,是对恐惧的浪漫处理,是对古老伤口的亲吻,是对幻想中的那个残酷现实的准备。
还有很多可能的解释,例如,李同学的《委屈的质性研究》提到“主动也好,被动也罢,施受虐是个体'两害相权选其轻'的必然选择,是为了重新获得掌控感。可以说“滚蛋”,说出"滚蛋",我掌控着厌弃他人的权力。在《生与死的战斗》(21页)中Blos认为“施受虐有时是为了避免重新体验和回忆痛苦的感受,它保留了'过往的创伤可以被逆转'这一希望”。曾经的也是现在的那个恐惧被厌弃的我,在施虐的过程中,给恐惧的大树浇水施肥,希望它枝繁叶茂,终将被看见。
总之,日常生活中充满了各种的施受虐,因为给个体带来的伤害微乎其微,又总是带着某种恐惧和羞耻的感受,因此很难觉察。看见施虐的行为,也许可以帮助我们更清楚的看见那些受虐的伤痛,让这些伤口真正的愈合。
 


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