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先人板板型——家庭序位倒挂的困扰-给力心理
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先人板板型——家庭序位倒挂的困扰

先人板板型——家庭序位倒挂的困扰
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发表时间:2020-02-28 16:43:53 921 1 7

 随着物质生活水平的极大提高,人们的精神追求也日渐丰富起来,烦恼也日益增多了。

最大的困扰就是子女教育的问题。

很早以前看见日本相部和男和张佶共同编写的《都是父母的错》,最初对这个题目颇不以为然,仔细读来却颇为赞同。里面所有分享的问题孩子背后有一个案例让我触目惊心——走上家庭内暴力道路的少年的家庭关系。

下面是这篇文章的部分摘录,希望更多为人父母的看到和警醒。

“初夏的阳光从从南侧的窗户射进来,时候刚过中午,一位脸上肿或青紫色的母亲从东京赶来拜访我。

我很吃惊地询问:你怎么啦?

她说,是昨天晚上被正上高一的长子殴打了。

据说她儿子(武大)是在初三中考结束之后开始家庭暴力的。

近三个月以来,他几乎每天都对父母拳打脚踢,

父母被打的比例分别是父亲为70%,母亲为30%,而殴打父母的原因有:

1、武大命令父母给他买某样东西,一开始就被父母拒绝(70%)

2、武大命令父母给他买某件东西,父母没有立刻去买,还对他抱怨。

3、父亲早上给武大弄头发时,没做好,使他的头发不整齐(父亲每天早上都帮武大做头发)。

4、当父母说及M教的时候(父母及亲戚们都加入了M教,武大小时候也曾被强制遵守教义。但不久他就对此产生了反抗情绪,最近还曾用匕首威胁父母放弃M教)

5、武大给母亲出难题,父亲帮母亲的时候

6、父亲发怒的时候。

武大是由人工营养哺育长大的,母亲在他乳儿时期没有抱过他。这是一个不大对孩子倾注感情的母亲。。。。。。父亲觉得武大很可怜,因此从幼儿期起就对他很溺爱,只要他想要的东西无论什么都给他买,不仅是父亲,爷爷也和父亲一样对他无比娇惯。

从武大三岁起,在父亲的骄纵下,养成了在外面饭店吃饭的习惯,父子两人常一起在外面吃饭,或者给武大买来他想吃的东西。父亲对武大一直特别地宠,和其他家里人都有所区别。武大想做的事情父亲也都为他代劳了。

武大从幼儿园、小学、初中这样按部就班读下来,一直都是父母早晨六点的时候每隔十分钟轮流去叫他起床。因此武夫从小时候就不能依靠自身的控制力起来。如果父母一个劲叫他,他就会说“烦死了!出去!”而如果迟到了,他又会顶撞父母说:都是你们叫我的方式不对。

在武大上小学时候,母亲规定了回家的时间。夏天是晚上六点,冬天是晚上五点。即使晚了一分钟,母亲也不让他进门。冬天严寒的时候,哪怕天上正下着雪,武大也得在门外待着。

现在,身体强壮起来的武大只要 一不顺心,就把母亲赶出门去。他说,我小时候,妈妈经常说我回来晚了,就把我赶出去,这次该我把她赶出去了“母亲只好在车里睡觉或是住在旅馆里,一直等到武大气消了为止。。。。。。。”

书中指出害了孩子的12种家长类型:

1、“偷工减料”型

2、溺爱+啰嗦型

3、过度依恋型

4、四分五裂型

5、混泥土型

6、交换条件型

7、比较型

8、卖人情型

9、催促型

10、不加考虑型

11、偏爱型

12、指导监督型
 关于家庭教育可以说的东西很多。
有时候自己的家庭教育方式错了自己并不知道,等到孩子成年时我们收获自己种下的苦果才悔之晚矣。
到了那个时候,父母们会着急地寻求心理咨询师的帮助,希望有灵丹妙药。其实真正的灵丹妙药是培养和建立良好的夫妻关系,把以孩子为中心的教育方式转变为以良好的夫妻关系为中心。
通过这个案例,我们可以看到的是过于严厉的家庭教育方式和一种过于溺爱的教育方式的融合。
这里面好像都曾经有过我的影子。只是我因缘接触到家庭教育,走上了父母自我觉醒之路,在逐渐修正我自己。
更多的家长仍然走在错误的家庭教育路上,用身体受伤、用经济上的损失来为自己错误的家庭教育方式买单。
在家庭教育上 ,除了夫妻关系是家庭关系的核心以外,还有家庭中的序位关系。
尊老爱幼代表的是一种家庭关系良好的序位。

一个家庭长者在家里得不到尊重,年幼的孩子得不到很好的照顾,这个家庭出现问题只是时间的问题。
对长者,我们要体恤他们,他们早年受苦很多,因为生活的原因也没有受到良好的教育。对他们我们要心怀感恩心。
照顾幼小的孩子不是说事事帮他做,而是帮助他成长为一个可以独立自主的孩子。
对孩子要心存爱意,知道他们能力不足,需要我们值得和陪伴和鼓励,但并不是事事代劳。
在未来,希望有更多人走进家庭教育的学习队伍中来。
也希望自己无论是作为心理咨询师还是家庭教育指导师,能够用自己的专业知识帮助到更多的家庭拥有幸福的家庭。

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本文作者

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公益助人

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长程个案

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续单率

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咨询时
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